Lately I’ve really lost interest with music. I stopped getting excited when I played gigs and I haven’t written a song I like in about 6 months.
I put on my twitter tonight that I’m not doing it for a while, cus I just felt like telling the world a bit about how I’m feeling. The best way to describe how I feel is that I’m stagnating.. I hate whatever decent recordings of my songs I have because they were written so long ago, I hate the cd I used to sell at gigs because I don’t like most of the songs anymore, so I’ve stopped selling it, it’s all old and dull and repetitive. I hate that I rarely get paid, and you constantly have pubs using you to make money but not giving you any. Or people who put on nights and charge of fiver at the door and you don’t see a penny because they know that you want to perform, so you won’t demand a penny. I’ve been gigging for four years and I’m still usually first on the set and a token-female acoustic singer.. There has been no evolution and I’m sure that that is largely my own fault. I also hate that I’ve just started to lack any inspiration.
I’m bored of playing all the same places but I just don’t have the passion I used to have to want to travel to gigs. I’m just sick of it, and this feeling terrifies me.
I’ve wanted to be a musician since I was about 13, and slowly over this summer I’ve just lost all energy for doing it. I don’t know where this feeling has come from, but suddenly I don’t want to do it anymore. Part of me is relived because I always feared I’d be one of those people who didn’t achieve their original dream in life so would just always be a bit unhappy and constantly wondering ‘what if?’ I never wanted that.
But I really don’t know who I am without music really, I don’t know who I want to be. Music is the roots on which I’ve formed my personality I guess..so what am I without those guys?!
It’s pretty scary for me if I’m honest, I’m hoping it will eventually click back into place and I’ll enjoy it again, because without it I’m not quite sure who I am.
Sorry about the overly pretentious post, but I just felt like writing about it. I feel all fuzzy and strange.